Please Stop Overcomplicating Christian Dating
Sex, sex and more sex! Ok … now that I have your attention, please allow me to introduce myself. My name is Dijon and I’m a single Christian woman who feels a bit overwhelmed by this whole dating thing.
I’ve been out the game for a minute and I was hesitant to even get back in it. These dating streets ain’t for the timid beloved … especially when you’re rollin’ with the God Squad. There are times when Christian dating can be overly complicated. But before I go any further, let me clear up a few things. As I may have lost a few folks the moment I said I was a Christian.
Please do not confuse my faith with that of perfection in any form whatsoever. I’m still a work in progress and I still mess up on the regular. The biggest lie I’ve heard about Christianity is that Christians have it all together. Let me be the first to tell that we don’t. That’s why we need Jesus and the help of the Holy Spirit daily.
Now, back to this whole dating thing. I believe that love is a beautiful, blissful, delicious, strange, fantastic, fascinating, topsy-turvy, and confusing thing, especially the romantic sort. Love is also forgiving, patient and kind, or at least it should be.
I believe that some of the reasons that Christian dating can be complicated is that there’s an overwhelming focus on marriage, being a Proverbs 31 woman (for the ladies), being “equally yoked” and celibacy. I also believe that fear and unresolved hurts are also factors.
While all these things are important, they can be confusing and misdirected if there’s no context, study and discussion. It’s almost like hearing the same laundry list of dating “rules” over and over. “Don’t do this and don’t do that.” Ok. Soooooo … what exactly do I do then?
I had so many questions, especially when I first became a Christian. “How exactly does one become a Proverbs 31 woman and which Biblical “prototype” should Christian men be modeling themselves after? Why are women always being pressed to “prepare” themselves for marriage but men … not so much? What if you don’t even want to get married? How do you know if you’re unequally yoked if you’re dating another Christian? What do you do when the “cold showers” just aren’t working anymore?”
I found the best way for me to find out the answers to my questions was to be brave enough to ask them out loud. Sometimes you gotta rock the boat. I also studied the word of God, shared my feelings with other singles and talked to married couples who would give me the lowdown about what marriage really means. Chile … that in itself is a whole different blog for another day.
I’ve heard so many schools of thought when it comes to Christian dating to include; Just “wait on the Lord,” (at least that what they like to tell us women folk repeatedly), join Match.com or Christian Mingle, or let sister so and so introduce you to her cousin/brother/nephew. Or just go ahead and settle for the brotha or sista that you have zero chemistry or attraction to because he or she is “nice” and also a Christian. Nope!
Chemistry and attraction in some form is important (whether we want to admit it or not). And let me add that it’s not always based on looks. Presence, confidence, intelligence and the way someone carries themselves can all be very attractive. Trust, I’ve met plenty of gorgeous people with ugly spirits and wack conversation.
There are also days when I think, maybe I don’t do anything and just continue living my best life. Traveling, serving God, eating good, writing, creating dope stuff and exploring the DMV (D.C., Maryland and Virginia for the unaffiliated) Decisions. Decisions.
I just want to have a normal conversation with a fly fellow, tell a few jokes, engage in a little flirtatious banter and just be my awkward self. No overthinking. No pressure. No prodding or pulling. No mention of marriage. No weird silences or creepy stares.
I want chemistry, laughter and thoughtful conversations about God and creation. I want more phone calls and less text messages. I want to talk about everyday things and not worry about him becoming super creepy religious or going radio silent *crickets.* I want someone who values relationship over “religion” and rules. I want a man who is already whole spiritually and emotionally. We don’t need each other to feel complete.
He should know upfront that I’m not a Proverbs 31 woman. I’m Dijon. My journey and my testimony is different and that’s ok. God is still working on me and I’m not ashamed to admit that. I don’t expect my future bae to be perfect either but let us both continue to strive daily (with the help of the Holy Spirit) to do better and be better.
As Christians, God must be a part of not just our single season, but our dating process as well. Without Him, we’re flying blind. It’s not always easy to do it God’s way though, especially when He tells you to fall back when you spot that 6’3 chocolate king with a glorious beard and fresh shape-up. Uh … I meant to say man or woman of God that you’d just love to “fellowship” with. But God’s way is so worth it. He’s helped me to dodge a few bullets in my time.
Having a community of fellow Christian singles is also vital. God did not design us to live, love and date alone. You need people in your life who will call you on your crap and keep you accountable.
So how do you know if you’re even ready to date? Here are five questions I asked myself when I was contemplating my return to the game.
1. Am I Whole? — I’ll just leave that one here.
2. Am I Healthy? We’re talking physically, spiritually and mentally. If not, then take steps to get there. I’m a huge advocate for regular exercise, professional therapy, and consistent prayer and study time. Take care of you first so that you don’t bring baggage, insecurities and unresolved trauma into a new dating relationship.
3. Am I Scared? — If I hear one more time about the lack of “good” men or women in the church I’m going to scream! Better yet, I wanna see the data on this “epidemic” because I’m tired of hearing about it. Don’t let the numbers or your biological clock breed fear and anxiety. I’ll you need is one.
4. Am I Thirsty? — Desperation never fails to attract foolishness and drama. We have to be careful that we don’t idolize marriage or being in a relationship. Don’t be seduced beloved by the pursuit of #relationshipgoals.
5. Am I Free? — Be who you are. Let your light shine and embrace all that God created you to be. Even if you’re a goofball . At some point, the real you is going to show up anyway.
The greatest piece of advice I can share with my fellow singles (myself included) is this; Get clear about who you are, what you want and what value you bring to any potential dating relationship. It’s not just all about what he or she can give provide. It goes both ways. Once you know these things, place them before God and seek the wisdom of the Holy Spirit.
At our core, I believe that we all just want to be loved, respected, appreciated, encouraged and listened to. And that’s not complicated at all.
