Simple ways to show support for grieving friends and family on Mother’s Day
This year will mark my 24th Mother’s Day without my mother. The first few years without her were deeply painful and overwhelming. Grief really sucks. I cried, I kicked, I screamed, and I cried some more. My emotions ran from one extreme to the next. Mother’s Day only seemed to magnify the pain, so I did my best to hide and simply ignore the holiday altogether.
I didn’t want to see the bouquets of flowers, the cutesy cards, homemade gifts and hoards of happy people out and about celebrating their mothers. I was angry, resentful and just trying to make it through each day. So I would hole up in my bedroom, pull the covers over my head and wait for Mother’s Day to pass.
I’m not sure when it happened, but there came the point where peace replaced much of my pain. My heart no longer hung as heavy. Time soothed some of the intensity of my wounds. I still felt sad, but I also felt extreme gratitude. I was grateful that I could still remember so many things about my mother. Her smile, her smell, and her lame “mom jokes.” All these years later, her laughter still rings in my ears. I still hear her and feel her presence every day.
I knew that my mother wanted me to live a beautiful life and to move past my grief. In fact, I believe all mothers want that for the children they leave behind. No more hiding. So I decided to reclaim Mother’s Day on my own terms and use it to celebrate my mother and the life she lived. It’s also a day where I could focus on sharing love, light, and laughter with other people who are missing their mothers too. People, who like me had to learn how to navigate their new normal.
One of the most important things that pushed me through my pain, especially on Mother’s Day, was the love and support of friends, family and sometimes even strangers. I’m still awed at the small, simple acts of kindness I’ve experienced over the years.
In saying that, I also realize that sometimes when you see friends, family and those you care about hurting, there can be one of two reactions; you rush in and try to fix everything, or you do absolutely nothing for fear of doing something stupid. Dealing with death can be tricky.
Here are five ways you can support someone who is grieving the loss of their mother on Mother’s Day.
Just love us -Sometimes there’s absolutely nothing you can say. Hug us, hold our hands, pray with us and listen to us if we decide to want to talk. Having the “Right Words” isn’t always necessary.
Check on us -A short text or phone call can be a lifeline and a gentle reminder that we are loved and cared for. Grief can be lonely and isolating especially when it’s fresh. Also, keep your eyes open for signs that a friend or loved one may need professional help or extra support to process their grief.
Invite us -Invite us to spend time with you. I spent my first Mother’s Day after my mother died getting my hair braided, going to church and watching the movie “Forrest Gump” on repeat with one of my best friends and her family. I just wanted to feel normal, and they allowed me to. However, please don’t be offended if we decline your invitation, everyone is different.
Help us celebrate too -Find out if your friend or loved one has any plans to honor their mother and ask if you can help them. Maybe it’s a visit to the cemetery or planting a flower. One year some of my friends helped me blow up bunches of pink and white balloons and write messages on them for my mom for Mother’s Day. We drove to a nearby park where I said a few words about my mother, danced and then we released all the balloons. It was a symbolic way for me to celebrate Mother’s Day my way.
Ask us what we need -You can never go wrong with the direct approach, and you may be surprised at the answer. Offers to babysit, cook or even take care of a few errands can go a long way. Listen, observe and respond accordingly with love and compassion.
